Just Wondering

Going for very long walks is one of my favorite things to do. Going on these walks on a summer night is definitely in my Top 5.

I was all geared up to go for a run tonight. I started my warmup, had the music jamming, knew my route -- but I just couldn't do it. I very quickly felt that tonight was going to be a quiet night of listening. I changed the music over to Sigur Ros and started the walk.

For as little as I vocalize, I really do have a lot to say. So trying to get my head cleared out and calmed down took some effort and I had to remind myself often, "shhhhhh". But I ended up having good conversation. We spoke of how I was making similar daily life choices reminiscent of a year or two ago, but the present results and reasoning were different. We spoke of how I'm too guarded of my heart. We spoke of being welcomed into Heaven with circus music in the background. Much ground was covered!

A dear friend gave me some advice before I left Greeley. He said that I couldn't be so "rooaaarrrr". That's it. And, honestly, I took it to heart! When I speak with people, I try to be aware of my body position and what my face is saying. I try to speak a bit more softly, a bit more femininely and not so "Oh yeah! Well I can kick your butt!". I'm also trying to be less ornery. So I'm getting that area dealt with, but I still don't let people in. I don't let others see what's going on inside. I can count the number of people that I have been comfortable with, that I trusted enough to truly speak with, on one hand. You may even be able to cut off a few fingers and still count them!

If it's in my future to have a husband, to meet "My One", will I be able to open my heart enough initially for him to see me? To want me? Or am I going to miss out... miss him, because I just can't open it? Why do i have such difficulties in this area? I've never had my heart hurt. I know what it's like to be loved, so shouldn't I want to love others so they can feel it too? Why do I feel so unworthy of love?! Like I said, we spoke and I'm supposed to work on opening up, a little at a time. I don't need to give all of me to everybody, but I do need to give some.

As for my current choices, results and reasonings. Everything is awesome here! My past choices hid things inside me that I didn't want to deal with. I was so busy, occupied, tired that I didn't have the time/energy to deal with my innerbeing. Now, those same actions are for good! I'm just waking up my spirit and getting my confidence back!

Besides all that, I'm just stoked to be going to Heaven and to have some jammin, fun music to listen to on the way!

It's going to be a rockin' weekend, so stay tuned!

p.s.
I love feeling God's arm wrap around my shoulder.<><