Why do we voluntarily subject ourselves to massive amounts of physical pain? Whether it's long term or short term, I don't think it matters. The point is that we do it. My reason for this weekends self-torture is to have no regrets. One of my dad's favorite lines from a song (and I'm in agreement. say what?!) sung by Frank Sinatra is "regrets. I've had a few, but still, too few to mention." That's how I want to LIVE my life. Without regrets. Without the "what-ifs". Without backward wishing.
On Sunday afternoon, I spent four hours of my life trying out for the MN Rollergirls. Yes! I tried out for a roller derby team! The 15min warmup was ladders of skating the rink at full speed, then at 80%, full speed, 80%, etc. For 15mins. I was done. I gave it my best, but I was literally about to throwup and then pass out in my puke. I'm not kidding! Within two minutes, all I could hear in my head is "What have you done! What have you gotten yourself into! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!" Thankfully, I'm not a quitter. 15mins isn't enough for a life story! I stuck it out.
If you remove the passing out and throwing up scenario, but repeat the "What have I done" phrasing, you have my Sunday afternoon in a nutshell! We ran drills (all at full speed). We practiced falling and getting back up (at full speed). We skated as a jam. We had agility and speed tests. We did pushups, fly lifts, mountain climbers, situps and butt exercises with all our gear on. I should weigh everything, but it must be atleast an extra 20lbs of weight on my legs and arms. If that doesn't sound like much, I challenge you to do all those things in roller skates, without falling over, as hard as you can, while people are yelling at, for as long as they tell you to. I dare you.
The last drill we did is called "10mins in Hell". And it was. Again, they wanted us to put every last bit of ourselves into this. We had to skate the rink for 10 full mins at our max. No coasting. No dinking around. Push it until you collapse. Push it until you can't push any further and then go more.
For the last 3 hours and 50 minutes you've given every bit of energy you have. But they want more. They want heart! They want tenacity! They want RollerGirls! For 10mins you could hear people pushing themselves. Girls gasping for air. Girls cursing at the pain. You could hear girls cheering each other on. "You can do this!" "Finish it!" "Only 10mins!"
It was beautiful.
I didn't make the team. I'm not sorry for that. I went there, I gave my all and I left knowing I accomplished something. I left with a huge smile on my face. I left with a sore butt, shins, back, arms, hips... But I left with a smile.
6.26.2008
I heart Thursdays
Thursday is the day that I get to play nanny for the boys. And boy do I love it! We have our rough patches, but it's generally a great time. For example...
Last week we had a zoo/picnic/hiking/park/ice cream day. Then a nap. A long, long nap...
Jonas (2yrs old) associates me with cake and cookies. When he sees me he starts saying cake. Repeatedly. But he has recently learned two new words! Brownies and Kayak! So now when he sees me he rotates saying Cake or Brownie. And when I ask what he would like to do today he says kayak (he's been out once!). Love IT!!
Today, to celebrate Rochesterfest, the boys and I headed over to the Nickel Carnival. I had no idea what to expect, how many nickels would be needed or if I'd be able to get nickels there. So, after lunch we stopped by the bank and I withdrew $10 in nickels. As I was waiting to receive those nickels, I realized how many I was getting. 200 nickels. 200 nickels! I was starting to think that $10 in nickels may have been an excessive choice :) Especially after we got to the carnival and I saw what was there. Bean bag tosses, kiddie basketball, ring tosses, hockey shooting and a big bouncy thing. Then repeat. We had a great time! I think they really enjoyed being in charge of their nickels and handing them to the game bosses. The boys fell asleep on the 10min ride home and I now have 8 dollars and 40 cents in nickels sitting in my purse!
Last week we had a zoo/picnic/hiking/park/ice cream day. Then a nap. A long, long nap...
Jonas (2yrs old) associates me with cake and cookies. When he sees me he starts saying cake. Repeatedly. But he has recently learned two new words! Brownies and Kayak! So now when he sees me he rotates saying Cake or Brownie. And when I ask what he would like to do today he says kayak (he's been out once!). Love IT!!
Today, to celebrate Rochesterfest, the boys and I headed over to the Nickel Carnival. I had no idea what to expect, how many nickels would be needed or if I'd be able to get nickels there. So, after lunch we stopped by the bank and I withdrew $10 in nickels. As I was waiting to receive those nickels, I realized how many I was getting. 200 nickels. 200 nickels! I was starting to think that $10 in nickels may have been an excessive choice :) Especially after we got to the carnival and I saw what was there. Bean bag tosses, kiddie basketball, ring tosses, hockey shooting and a big bouncy thing. Then repeat. We had a great time! I think they really enjoyed being in charge of their nickels and handing them to the game bosses. The boys fell asleep on the 10min ride home and I now have 8 dollars and 40 cents in nickels sitting in my purse!
6.15.2008
My Hands should now be referred to as Claws.
Today was Carefest in Rochester. The churches in the community come together and do a massive cleanup of schools, parks and other community places. I worked at the local Boys and Girls Club. When I arrived I was asked if I had a preference for painting, landscaping or carpeting. I said I had no preference and to put me where I was needed! Oohhhhh, the lessons learned today!
I tore up carpet. I scraped glue from the floors. I laid new carpeting. I cut pieces of carpeting to finish the edging. I pulled weeds. I went to the bathroom at 8am and didn't go again till 6:30pm. I had two snack bars to eat throughout the day and had a 10min break the enitre day. As I drove home, my hands were in so much pain that I could barely turn the steering wheel! I'm waiting to see if my hands cramp in a claw position after all the glue scraping!
After Carefest, I got showered, grab a bite to eat and headed out for some Moonlight Kayaking! Amber (a new friend/coworker) met me at the Studio and I loaded up the boat. We were on the Hwy and I was keeping an eye on my back tie-downs. Then, it happened. The tether came undone and went one way, my kayak went the other! I'm FREAKING out that the boat is going to fall and start rolling down the highway! I quickly/safely pull over and assess the situation. Praise the Lord (!!!) the center strap was able to keep the boat on top of my car. It had flipped and was now sitting perpendicular to the roof of the car. Amber helped me get things put back to rights and I put the tethers on the front of the car instead of the back. We pulled onto the highway and the thought occurred to me "I'm on the wrong road!". I was heading towards the interstate instead of the park! So, we had a nice tour of the country and southern Rochester:)
The kayaking was AMAZING! as expected. I brought three friends along and they all had a good time! There were quite a few folks there this time, so it was great to meet so many people and to be on the lake!
After kayaking, Amber and I headed back to the studio to change and head out for Salsa dancing! We were all dressed up and crossed the street to Sontes. Sontes was closed. Salsa night was LAST Saturday:( Bummed, we headed to our cars and decided to go to the Redwood Room. Closed. Where else can we go??? Perkins. That's a big fat negatory! Off to our homes we went.
So a bummer ending, but what a great/busy/crazy day! My hands weren't too bad while kayaking, but they're really starting to hurt now. I'm watching the 1930s version of 'Frankenstein. The one with Boris Karloff. Good stuff:)
I tore up carpet. I scraped glue from the floors. I laid new carpeting. I cut pieces of carpeting to finish the edging. I pulled weeds. I went to the bathroom at 8am and didn't go again till 6:30pm. I had two snack bars to eat throughout the day and had a 10min break the enitre day. As I drove home, my hands were in so much pain that I could barely turn the steering wheel! I'm waiting to see if my hands cramp in a claw position after all the glue scraping!
After Carefest, I got showered, grab a bite to eat and headed out for some Moonlight Kayaking! Amber (a new friend/coworker) met me at the Studio and I loaded up the boat. We were on the Hwy and I was keeping an eye on my back tie-downs. Then, it happened. The tether came undone and went one way, my kayak went the other! I'm FREAKING out that the boat is going to fall and start rolling down the highway! I quickly/safely pull over and assess the situation. Praise the Lord (!!!) the center strap was able to keep the boat on top of my car. It had flipped and was now sitting perpendicular to the roof of the car. Amber helped me get things put back to rights and I put the tethers on the front of the car instead of the back. We pulled onto the highway and the thought occurred to me "I'm on the wrong road!". I was heading towards the interstate instead of the park! So, we had a nice tour of the country and southern Rochester:)
The kayaking was AMAZING! as expected. I brought three friends along and they all had a good time! There were quite a few folks there this time, so it was great to meet so many people and to be on the lake!
After kayaking, Amber and I headed back to the studio to change and head out for Salsa dancing! We were all dressed up and crossed the street to Sontes. Sontes was closed. Salsa night was LAST Saturday:( Bummed, we headed to our cars and decided to go to the Redwood Room. Closed. Where else can we go??? Perkins. That's a big fat negatory! Off to our homes we went.
So a bummer ending, but what a great/busy/crazy day! My hands weren't too bad while kayaking, but they're really starting to hurt now. I'm watching the 1930s version of 'Frankenstein. The one with Boris Karloff. Good stuff:)
6.12.2008
Just Wondering
Going for very long walks is one of my favorite things to do. Going on these walks on a summer night is definitely in my Top 5.
I was all geared up to go for a run tonight. I started my warmup, had the music jamming, knew my route -- but I just couldn't do it. I very quickly felt that tonight was going to be a quiet night of listening. I changed the music over to Sigur Ros and started the walk.
For as little as I vocalize, I really do have a lot to say. So trying to get my head cleared out and calmed down took some effort and I had to remind myself often, "shhhhhh". But I ended up having good conversation. We spoke of how I was making similar daily life choices reminiscent of a year or two ago, but the present results and reasoning were different. We spoke of how I'm too guarded of my heart. We spoke of being welcomed into Heaven with circus music in the background. Much ground was covered!
A dear friend gave me some advice before I left Greeley. He said that I couldn't be so "rooaaarrrr". That's it. And, honestly, I took it to heart! When I speak with people, I try to be aware of my body position and what my face is saying. I try to speak a bit more softly, a bit more femininely and not so "Oh yeah! Well I can kick your butt!". I'm also trying to be less ornery. So I'm getting that area dealt with, but I still don't let people in. I don't let others see what's going on inside. I can count the number of people that I have been comfortable with, that I trusted enough to truly speak with, on one hand. You may even be able to cut off a few fingers and still count them!
If it's in my future to have a husband, to meet "My One", will I be able to open my heart enough initially for him to see me? To want me? Or am I going to miss out... miss him, because I just can't open it? Why do i have such difficulties in this area? I've never had my heart hurt. I know what it's like to be loved, so shouldn't I want to love others so they can feel it too? Why do I feel so unworthy of love?! Like I said, we spoke and I'm supposed to work on opening up, a little at a time. I don't need to give all of me to everybody, but I do need to give some.
As for my current choices, results and reasonings. Everything is awesome here! My past choices hid things inside me that I didn't want to deal with. I was so busy, occupied, tired that I didn't have the time/energy to deal with my innerbeing. Now, those same actions are for good! I'm just waking up my spirit and getting my confidence back!
Besides all that, I'm just stoked to be going to Heaven and to have some jammin, fun music to listen to on the way!
It's going to be a rockin' weekend, so stay tuned!
p.s.
I love feeling God's arm wrap around my shoulder.<><
I was all geared up to go for a run tonight. I started my warmup, had the music jamming, knew my route -- but I just couldn't do it. I very quickly felt that tonight was going to be a quiet night of listening. I changed the music over to Sigur Ros and started the walk.
For as little as I vocalize, I really do have a lot to say. So trying to get my head cleared out and calmed down took some effort and I had to remind myself often, "shhhhhh". But I ended up having good conversation. We spoke of how I was making similar daily life choices reminiscent of a year or two ago, but the present results and reasoning were different. We spoke of how I'm too guarded of my heart. We spoke of being welcomed into Heaven with circus music in the background. Much ground was covered!
A dear friend gave me some advice before I left Greeley. He said that I couldn't be so "rooaaarrrr". That's it. And, honestly, I took it to heart! When I speak with people, I try to be aware of my body position and what my face is saying. I try to speak a bit more softly, a bit more femininely and not so "Oh yeah! Well I can kick your butt!". I'm also trying to be less ornery. So I'm getting that area dealt with, but I still don't let people in. I don't let others see what's going on inside. I can count the number of people that I have been comfortable with, that I trusted enough to truly speak with, on one hand. You may even be able to cut off a few fingers and still count them!
If it's in my future to have a husband, to meet "My One", will I be able to open my heart enough initially for him to see me? To want me? Or am I going to miss out... miss him, because I just can't open it? Why do i have such difficulties in this area? I've never had my heart hurt. I know what it's like to be loved, so shouldn't I want to love others so they can feel it too? Why do I feel so unworthy of love?! Like I said, we spoke and I'm supposed to work on opening up, a little at a time. I don't need to give all of me to everybody, but I do need to give some.
As for my current choices, results and reasonings. Everything is awesome here! My past choices hid things inside me that I didn't want to deal with. I was so busy, occupied, tired that I didn't have the time/energy to deal with my innerbeing. Now, those same actions are for good! I'm just waking up my spirit and getting my confidence back!
Besides all that, I'm just stoked to be going to Heaven and to have some jammin, fun music to listen to on the way!
It's going to be a rockin' weekend, so stay tuned!
p.s.
I love feeling God's arm wrap around my shoulder.<><
6.10.2008
There's a Reason They Call Me 'Clatters'
I am a HUGE clutz. There's a hanging plant outside the front door. It's been there since probably April. I just nailed it big time with my head. I actually have a headache from it! Sadly, this isn't the only time I've run into it...
As I was walking into the house and closing the door, I somehow clipped my heel. It's not just a skin abrasion. There is a good chunk of skin missing.
I fall down stairs. I fall up stairs. I run into walls, doors, people and vehicles. I stubbed my toe bad enough the other day that it bled. I've dropped Lucas a good number of times when he was smaller. I've dropped glasses, plates, platters of food and expensive pieces of lab equipment. I trip over absolute nothingness.
Hello, my name is Colleen and I am a clutz.
As I was walking into the house and closing the door, I somehow clipped my heel. It's not just a skin abrasion. There is a good chunk of skin missing.
I fall down stairs. I fall up stairs. I run into walls, doors, people and vehicles. I stubbed my toe bad enough the other day that it bled. I've dropped Lucas a good number of times when he was smaller. I've dropped glasses, plates, platters of food and expensive pieces of lab equipment. I trip over absolute nothingness.
Hello, my name is Colleen and I am a clutz.
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