Jonas is turning into a big boy, so he likes to use the boy's bathroom when he gets the chance. So after watching Kung Fu Panda on the big screen and before heading to lunch, he and Lucas headed to the bathroom.
Lucas was in and out in no time. Jonas... He was taking a while.
I asked Lucas to check on him and got a big negatory. So the shout outs began:
"How you doing Buddy?!"
"I need help!"
"With what?"
"I need you to wipe me."
Seriously?
"Jonas, you're a big boy, can't you do it?"
"NO!"
I ask Lucas to go in and help and to speed things up.
Another (seemingly) 30 minutes goes by.
"Boys? What's going on?"
"There's a bug on me."
"Well, swipe it away. Have Lucas get it."
"Hold still Jonas, I almost have it."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
As a super aunt, I rush in to the screams, praying that I didn't miss any guys walking into the bathroom and give them a surprise!
I open the door to the stall and there's little Jonas on the toilet with tears streaming down his face.
I look to Lucas, "What's going on fellas?!"
"There's a bug on Jonas."
"Where?!"
"On his penis."
Say what?!?!?!! Yep. On the underside of Jonas' little penis is a bug. Not a fly. Not a ladybug. A tick. Jonas has a TICK on his PENIS!
Now, Lucas is a very smart boy. So as soon as I say it's a tick he starts going on about how the tick is sucking Jonas' blood. Jonas begins his next freak out!
"Jonas, look at me", I say all smooth and calm. "I'm going to take care of this and you're going to be just fine!", I say with a big smile.
Let's deviate from this story for a minute to another... The previous night, I was at the gym. The gym has great lighting and mirrors. I like to pluck my eyebrows at the gym. What is needed for eyebrow plucking? Tweezers. And not just any ol' blunt style tweezer, but pointy ones! Back to our story...
As I'm talking down Jonas I'm going through the next steps in my head:
He has a tick. What do we need to do to ticks? We take them off with tweezers. Who has tweezers? Should we go the studio? Run to my house? OR???!!!! HOLY BUCKETS! I have tweezers in the car!!!
"Ok guys, let's pull our pants up and head to my car. I have some tweezers and we'll get the little bugger off. Ok?!" All smiles.
"Ticks bury their heads in your skin and suck your blood."
"Thanks Luke. Please stop."
We get to the car, I have Jonas drop his pants in the parking lot and hop onto the front seat. I find the tweezers. I have Lucas hold Jonas' hand. I start pulling on the tick. The tick SQUIRMS! The tick had just latched onto Jonas, so it was still super flat and was moving. Creepy. I need to go about this a different way! So with my left hand I held Jonas' penis and with the other hand... I used my pinky to keep the penis taught and maneuvered the tweezers with thumb and forefinger. Have I mentioned that the tick is near Jonas' tip? Well, I did my best to not pull his skin and I ripped that tick out! The head came with and so did some skin. You could see Jonas' skin attached to that blasted tick!
I was prepped with alcohol wipes (car 1st aid kit!) and hand sanitizer. I disinfected the child, my hands, and the tweezers. We called Momma Shel. We turned into entomologists, examined the creature and wrapped it up for later exam.
Turns out the boys' manny had taken them through some pretty tall grass a few days prior and it had taken a while for the tick to work it's way up to a warm spot. The manny feels bad.
I have never heard the word penis used so much and I have never said the word penis so much as I did that week telling this story! This is one for the yearbook... Penis.
